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When You're Barely Treading Water

Updated: Nov 27, 2020

Staying above water is as easy as letting anxiety go, or maybe it's not anywhere close to achievable.


There's this frightening moment when that last breath leaves you, its a moment of hope and begging that another breath follows but it doesn't. Its the water, it's seeping in and drowning you from the inside out and there is no way to stop the fire that burns through you, the fight to swim, the need for just one more breath. The muffled sounds of waves crashing, drawing you deeper and deeper into the void; screams echo in your ears, a soundless noise just as powerful as prayer. Before darkness fades in, that fire turns to dull pain and somehow so much worse. Blackness, stillness, and now silence.


Me and my old pal, Anxiety, live in the seconds just before this moment. We know that it's coming, the inevitable shaky breaths and heart palpations do nothing to help but yet, they are my constant friend. The only deterrent, although that might not be the best word, is to just fill all my time until as one might say, I am drowning in another sense.


I take all these things, art projects, work, online classes, reading, binge shows and so much more and I just fill, fill and fill until I start to worry about my lack of free time. It's a messed up yet working method of mine to occupy all the nooks and cranny's of my mind to the point where I stop thinking about those few seconds riddled with anxiety. I stop the tunnel vision on the rising waters, the oncoming waves, and continue to just tread water. I take all the space in my mind and do whatever it takes to make anxiety look like a meat blip on the radar. One might say, or probably wholeheartedly agree, that it's not the most healthy of options and that there are lots of other ways to deal with these emotions in a saner and less future anxiety conducing way but hey, so far it's working and until I have to, I will be chums with my other best friend, Denial. Have you met her? She's the bomb as they say, well until she's quite literally explosive to my well being but maybe that is just a warning and not fact.



My overwhelming yet desperately needed distracts are what have kept me away from this blog, I have been so burnt and run around that I haven't even been able to coherently string together something I would be proud enough to publish. You see, this for me isn't just about getting the views or how may post I can make, this is my brain. It's my thoughts, emotions, and general life story that I'm sharing, and if I can't even make sense of it enough to phrase it then how on earth can I share it? So here I am, a little late but I have some complete thoughts, I hope it's enough to satisfy this potential void I left. I am trying, just like the rest of the world and hopefully, I will be better. I am trying, just treading water.


Be a dear and tread water with me?


Sincerely,

Me Today



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